I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
