his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
