I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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