imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
