Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
