I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
