Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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