Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
