Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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