This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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