I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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