I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
