What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
