How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
