I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
