Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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