Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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