So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
