My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my poor anus
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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