if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
