my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
