I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
