Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
