I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
