Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
