; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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