I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
