paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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