i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
