maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
