I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
