I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
