I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
