Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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