i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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