theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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