two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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