The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
