If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
