Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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