I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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