I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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