We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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