I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
