You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
