i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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