Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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