so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
