Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
