my room smells like sperm. sweet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
