We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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